Which Mob Makes the Best Pet?

Which pet mob could be better than the miserable face of Minecraft? Cheer up, Creeper – you’re world famous!

PROS: Like I said, it’s an internationally-recognised global superstar! Seriously, it’s blowing up right now! RUN.

CONS: What are you supposed to feed them, anyway? TNT? Oh, and there’s that whole ‘will explode and destroy you instantly’ thing that we mentioned. That gets irritating.

THE ENDERMAN
 

Trust me my friends, this much-feared lanky horrorshow is really a big softie. One who’s just looking for a loving home! It’s also looking for a fresh victim in that home, but try not to think about that.

PROS: Purple-pink eyes are a lovely facial feature that you should, er, never risk looking at. Extra long limbs surely make for extra long hugs. Chases you with obsessive persistence, never stopping, never slowing, until you’re finished (so, y’know, very loyal!)

CONS: Not great with eye contact. Doesn’t react well to me generously offering it water, even when I generously throw said water it in its face.

This fire-spitting spectre may sound like one gross ghost, but you’ll soon learn to love this mob like it’s your own child! Until it starts crying like a child. Which it, er, does all the time. No refunds.

PROS: Unlikely to need expensive pet food as it’s already deceased. Will truly make your house a home, as it’s guaranteed to light up any room you keep it in! Fire extinguisher not included.

CONS: You’ll have to move to The Nether to keep it, but renting in The Nether is really cheap right now. Can’t imagine why.

THE SPIDER JOCKEY
 

OK, OK, spiders and skeletons aren’t the cutest mobs in Minecraft, true. And sure, most customers report that it tries to pierce them with arrows as soon as they leave my store. But, er, I’ll throw in those arrows at no extra cost! So we have a deal, right? Please, I need to shift this thing before it gets my scent again.

PROS: It’s two pets in one! Which is why I’m charging double.

CONS: Technically you already have a pet skeleton, living inside your body, and so getting another one would just be greedy. You also have a pet spider in your hair right now, as do I, so getting another one would just be greARGHH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF

So excited to get a pet that you can’t sleep? Have I got the perfect horrifying sky beast for you.

PROS: Oh sure, it might look like it’s swooping down to attack you, but maybe it’s swooping down to give you a back rub? Let’s stay up and find out! You first.

CONS: Have to stay awake for three days to spend any time with it. Hard to take for walks. Haven’t seen that customer I sent outside for a back rub for months now. He’s probably fine.

THE IRON GOLEM
 

This statue-come-to life would be a solid choice of pet! Far better than the statue-not-come-to-life I keep as a pet. Should a man in his late twenties still own a pet rock? That’s a conversation for another time.

PROS: Occasionally brings you a flower! An incredibly sweet gesture, until your neighbour sends you a bill for their ruined garden.

CONS: People might accuse you of not washing your pet properly when they see that plant-life is literally growing over it.

A three-headed freak? Buddy, everything good comes in threes! That’s why I’ll need you to make three expensive payments right now.

PROS: Countless! Trust me, let this corruption-inflicting cutie into your life and I promise it’ll truly melt your heart. Hearts turn black when they melt, right? That’s what’s happening here? Something good?

CONS: Triple the heads means triple the pet food bills.

THE GUARDIAN
 

Did you know nine out of ten goldfish can’t even shoot lasers from their eyes? Pathetic. Luckily our next potential pet won’t let you down and will fire lasers at you. You’re welcome.

PROS: Will guard your underwater death fortress, making you feel less stupid about that time you impulse bought an underwater death fortress. Gives free laser-eye surgery.

CONS: Supposed to have a better memory than goldfish, and yet still failed to remember my birthday :(

If Mabel Pines has taught us anything, it’s that we should all own a pet pig. This delightful little porker has been guilt-tripping non-vegetarians with its cuteness since the earliest days of Minecraft... Wait, I’ve changed my mind, it’s not for sale! Don’t leave me, Mr Porky!

PROS: Pink. Adorable. You can put a saddle on its back for the world’s most literal piggy-back ride.

CONS: How come when I’m eating out of a trough on all fours, no one calls me adorable?

SO WHAT MOB IS THE PET FOR YOU?

What’s that? Apparently selling mobs capable of breathing fire to children over the internet isn’t legal? Well then, looks like I’m out of business. So let’s wrap this up before the police get here and end on the chosen pet of lead Minecraft developer, Jens Bergensten: